Thursday, March 29, 2012

Bulletin Bloopers - Old But Ever Effervescent

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early, and listen to our choir practice.
Don't let worry kill you — let the church help.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. All those wishing to to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours."
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
We would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Thursday night — Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Thursday, at 5:00 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the pastor in his study.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing Put Me In My Little Bed accompanied Mr. Jonnes and his organ.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

And there's more...

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...
This blooper showed up on the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle; the ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and briefs to bear.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
A song listed in the Church Bulletin at the Nazarene Church in Little Rock, Arkansas; in connection with a sermon on God's mantle..."Let's God Mangle Fall on Me."
A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.

And my personal favorites...

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Miss Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

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